As children, when we learn to interface with the outside world we form a series of habits. Learned ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that make up who we think we are. It’s called our personality.
But this personality is learned. Elements can be changed if they aren’t serving you. An “angry” person doesn’t always have to be an angry person, but if they have been that way for a long time they might say “Well, it’s just the way I am” as if there is no choice whatsoever.
This is an illusion. There is always choice.
We think that because we have a habit of being an angry person that we don’t have choice. That’s the habit talking. The habit can’t get out of the habit. We have to access our higher mind to even see the personality trait as a habit.
In relationship we get used to certain ways of being together and create a relationship habit. In some ways this is comforting. Neuroscience says we enter a state of Oxytocin bonding. We feel close and the familiar is safe. It’s a wonderful part of love and healthy attachment. Parts of our relationship habits can be great.
But not always. Sometimes they can be damaging.
In a session with a couple I worked with:
A woman in a couple I worked with named Sarah said, “It makes me crazy. He just looks right at me, then intentionally doesn’t answer my question, and goes back to the tv. Of course I’m furious. Who wouldn’t be?”
“It’s a decent argument. How is the furious and crazy response working with him? Are you getting what you want?”
“Ok, are you willing to unpack this and have more choice?”
This was the beginning of an unraveling of a pattern of reaction Sarah had learned as a child that she thought was a part of her. She always thought, “I just have a hot temper.”
After a few more minutes of coaching, some deep breathing, and tears, she decided to take responsibility for her reaction to her husband not answering her questions and giving his attention to his email.
She took on a different tone and said, “When you look down at your phone after I ask you a question, I feel like I’m not important to you. And it hurts.”
Her husband James un-scrunched his face for the first time in 40 minutes. The mending was taking place.
A month later Sarah had conditioned a new response pattern to James paying attention to his devices. She did the work I gave her quite diligently, and I was pleased to see she did the following with no passive aggression or victim mentality. She let go of the fixation on being right about being angry and snarky toward James, and instead she did several creative things when he was not paying attention to her, including passing him a note saying, “I’d love to talk. Are you available? Check yes or no.
Other times she used the cue of him seeming busy as time for self-care. She realized in our work together that she wanted to take much better care of herself. She would meditate, take a bath, go for a walk or do some writing.
She began calling friends when he wasn’t available and sometimes she got so involved in conversation with them James would come to her wondering when she would be done.
He said and I quote, “It’s like her personality shifted. It’s like a different person. I find myself drawn to giving her the attention she’s been asking for for years.”
We can unlearn a pattern of behavior from the inside out. This is one way and one example of how James and Sarah created a Relationship Flow State™.
When we say this is just the way I am we are essentially saying, “I’m not willing to forge any new neuro pathways in my brain. My thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all the same as they have been for a long time.”
It’s not your partners fault. It’s not that you need to go DO a bunch of new stuff, although this can be helpful to break out of a pattern.
It will all eventually lead back to you what you feel like internally. Sarah was furious because she wasn’t giving herself enough attention. As she boldly faced her temper tantrum (her words) and aligned herself with having all the attention she needed she began receiving more attention.
Leave your partner and the outer world out of it for a moment and go inside. Take a look around as if you’re walking into an antique house you’ve never explored before. Get curious.
What does it actually feel like to be you?
Are you bored with yourself? Angry? Are you sad or afraid?
How do you really feel inside when you’re alone and there’s no distractions?
In order to get out of a rut you must know what parts of yourself you are unlearning. Up until now it’s been automatic and habitual. Slow it down and investigate with pure curiosity.
To change your experience internally without changing anything in the outer world, in my opinion, is true power and mastery of self.
If facing yourself in this way was easy everyone would do it. We signed up for this. You’re reading this for a reason. Someone who wasn’t willing to do the work would have quit a long time ago.
It’s like that first day back to working out on January 2nd. It hurts like hell, but many people give it a shot. How many of those people are still in the gym in April? How many make a brand new lifestyle that sticks?
Those who take on mastery of self and form a new habit. But holy coyote does it pay off.
The ‘magic’ begins to happen. Flow psychology and quantum mechanics only begin to touch on this part. Generally speaking, science is still scratching its head about how to prove this by its standards… Science will catch up with experience eventually, as it does.
Your internal vibration upgrade begins aligning with different external experiences. You think and feel different so you start behaving differently.
Your field is vibrating differently so naturally other vibrations respond differently to it. Your partner being one of them.
New, exquisitely delightful experiences occur. You’re no longer in an unwanted conditioned habit and you barely recognize the collection of habits you once were.
If you’re unhappy about something, first give yourself the gift of looking in the mirror and telling the truth to yourself about how you are actually experiencing yourself.